I know for a fact that I will probably never update this journal, but I wanted to make an entry, a welcome, a disclaimer for my friends.

I'm happy that I created an account while it was open, and I hope to stay connected to you all. And perhaps I will be more inclined to update it as time passes.


Dec. 18th, 2011 11:36 pm
I am going to copy and paste this from my tumblr. Tomorrow after I return to Urbana, I am going to write another report. I left out so much, like my voice going silent during Different Sense from screaming (just temporarily, thankfully) or losing my shit completely during Grief. The awkwardness of my glasses... Basically tl;dr for my own memories. This is my overall experience at the Dec 18th Chicago show at the House of Blues.


How can I describe something the ended up perfect? The only flaw was that Sara never contacted me to meet her...I saw her for a fleeting moment... She has been busy, sick, and with her friends. I understand, even if I'm a little sad.

But Rick let us pass with a smile, and we stood in front of Kyo. When the band came out, there were curious glances our way as they did the meet and greet. I regret absolutely nothing. I have never felt a connection so true to that man, and honestly, I felt it with every single band member tonight.

This was the best concert of my life. Not because of the set list, even though that was fantastic with Obscure, Mazohyst of Decadence, and Grief. But the pure energy I felt, the connection between not just me and the band, but me and the rest of the audience pre-show. No one bitched at us for skipping, and in fact, they chatted with us kindly. It isn’t that I am saying that others’ experience is invalid, but I was legitimately shocked. People have been ranting about "skippers," and I was worried there would be shit-talking directly to us.

Another thing that happened is when Kyo looked right down at us, squinting and belting, and it made me feel...content. Whether he was looking at me like I thought or just seeing us as the crowd... It was at that point that I knew this show was the best I have ever been to. Him stroking the microphone during Mazohyst of Decadence, the beauty of the lighting during his Inward Scream...I could go on forever.

I have never been a "Kyo fangirl" but tonight, he made me feel what some of my closest friends have told me about.

The entire band seemed to exude confidence tonight. Die was flirting, and Toshiya couldn’t stop smiling at the end. I saw a crack of Shinya’s lips, and Kaoru was a motherfucking badass all night. Even Kyo seemed something like…content, at least at times.

I do think however that the ending, as the band threw their spit, water and Heineken (thanks Toshiya!), picks and drumsticks, that I will forever have Toshiya’s silhouette carved into my brain. His outline, and the ghost of his smile as he looked down at all of us… It was my magical moment, and probably mine alone in that instant.

My best friend shuffled behind me right after the show and told me to look down, something was at my feet. It was one of the HOB drumsticks that Shinya tossed off-stage. Forever, I have been the one to never catch anything or pick something up, and Archer, being the best friend that she is, let me have it. Perhaps it does have a slightly different feeling that catching it in your own hands, but the grace and love she showed me (I always would pout about the three of their Kaoru/Die/Toshiya picks playfully) by doing this solidified my evening. I kissed her cheek, making her uncomfortable, but it was pure emotion and adrenaline.

Even though I spent the after-show making my way around, trying to see if there was one last chance to meet up with Sara, a happiness has settled into me. Have you ever had the thought "I can die happy?" This was that night.

Tonight was the best night, despite any flaws that I might recall. I understand Sara’s inability to meet me. I don’t care about some fucker messing up my glasses, or another three people using my head as an arm rest. This pain coexists with my happiness, and I don’t think anything will be able to take that away.
First things first. I've been back in the States for about a month now, despite not keeping my journal updated. At some point, I might update about my last few days in Japan, maybe through a photo post, but otherwise, I simply do not have the urge to really update anymore. I apologize in advance for that, but I really can't help how I feel. Maybe I'll get back into the swing of things at a later date; however, I do wish to update about the Dir en grey concert I went to just yesterday.

Right now I'm probably in Colorado, but that's up to debate--that is to say, I'm on the plane. (However, by the time I post this, I'll probably be in my apartment, but that's neither here or there.) On Friday, September 3rd, I flew into Denver, CO to meet Jen ([livejournal.com profile] nekonekonya), who also flew in. The flight went smoothly (except I think I parked in the wrong area, but again, neither here or there), and I had an amazing Friday night. We went by the line already waiting for the next day's concert (4~5 people who planned on camping) and spoke with them for a bit after angsting over the fact that for whatever reason, Dir en grey was listed as an opening band verses the concert being a co-headliner, which it definitely was! We spoke with a few Denver locals and found a place to buy bags for the presents Jen and I planned on giving the band at our Meet & Greet. We had bought VIP tickets for an insane amount to meet the band and get rail, so we decided to give them a bit of alcohol (Heineken and Jaegermeister with a Red Bull for Toshiya, haha, "The Devil's Drink") and chocolate (rum and champagne Godiva truffles), but we needed gift bags! So we purchased those and the chocolate (and two little "Ugly Dolls" animal plush keychain things by the name of "Batty Shogun" for Kyo, because it looked like Warumono and "Big Toe" for Toshiya, because it was entering hilarity territory) before going on back to the hotel. (We'd buy the alcohol Saturday morning.) Also Jen and I decided to repackage the truffles, so we took care of that. (I was clean about it, shush.)

Saturday, after the alcohol excursion, we went to pick up Archer ([livejournal.com profile] archer_moonstar) at the Denver airport. I was so excited to see the both of them, but seeing Archer just made my heart swell! I never get to see her enough online, and so whenever I get to spend time with her, I always get 2x happy, despite the fact that she teases me. Like about the Jaeger! She thought it was a silly gift, but I still got it anyway. After picking her up, the three of us drove along I-70, an interstate here in the States that takes you into the mountains a bit. But our car was only a four cylinder and so we were having problems, and because Jen was not accustomed to the controls, when we were heading down the mountain, we also had no idea how to put the car into a geared down position! But it was still fun, despite the fact that I thought I was going to die here and there. But I have fears about turning, or even just curving, at high speeds (over 40 miles per hour, really) ever since 2007, I think it was, when I visited Archer's icy home during Spring Break and nearly lost entire control over my car on a clover entering the interstate.

Once we were done seeing the mountains, the three of us returned to our hotel, which was two small blocks from the concert venue itself! Archer did our hair (mine is pictured below), and let me say, I loved it! Thank you again, Archer. ♡ Basically, in the end, we piddled around for the remaining hours before heading over to the venue with our presents and letters at 6pm. Because VIP got in first, there was no worries about camping out or arriving early. We did have to get our tickets from will-call though, so that's why we even went at 6pm. However, the line for will-call was rather long, and it prolonged our entry into the Meet & Greet. It was rather unorganized, but I found myself enjoying it, even the silly questions. I did make the crowd switch their answers to the question "What other bands should Dir en grey tour with?" from various American bands and Japanese bands to solo after I squeaked it in the middle of the VIP crowd. I thought that was rather funny.

My hair.

The Ogden

But then came the time to meet the band. There was the option of taking a photo with them--but every single one I've seen, they looked so pissed, so bored, so unhappy to be there. So instead, I just shook their hands and squeaked to Kaoru and Die that while I brought presents, they were taken at the door because there was alcohol inside. That's right! I couldn't give them anything because of that, but the tour manager (or perhaps venue manager, I do not remember) took it from us and told us they would be delivered. I hope they were… However, because I was speaking to Kaoru and Die in Japanese, they turned to each other and laughed. Toshiya had a very confused look on his face, very much like "wat just happened" while Kaoru and Die commented, "She spoke in Japanese? What?" themselves! Apparently, when Jen followed me (no photo either), she said they were still laughing, either at the fact that they were shocked or at my dismal Japanese proficiency. I felt very bad for not saying anything else to the other three, but I was so nervous. I did whisper "yoroshiku onegaishimasu" to Kyo, but I highly doubt he heard it. After that though, I got my rail spot, right in front of Die. ♥♪

(Only 400 miles to Memphis, now!)

While the tiniest part of me regrets not getting that photo, I think I made a great impression on Die and Kaoru. Even though I said nothing to Toshiya, if he reads the letter… If any of them do, I think I'll be happy. Again, I want to thank them, over and over, for giving me all that they have. I can't explain it very well, but… Maybe they know other fans who have been able to express it, and I hope they know I feel along similar lines, if they read those letters. I wrote them in Japanese, as a sort of project for myself, and so I hope they can understand…

At any rate, my spot in front of Die turned out to be perfect. At first I was shaking so badly as we waited for the pit to open, but I claimed down soon enough and we moved in. I stood pretty much at Die's mic, which made me really very happy. However, I had to stand through Evaline's act, and while they were all right, the lead singer kept making me laugh. He would pop up right in front of my face and sing directly to me at times. I mean it, he looked me very straight in the eye and everything. But they were done within five songs, and the build up began.

According to [livejournal.com profile] diru_tabloids, this is the set list.

Sa Bir
Hageshisa to...
Red Soil
Agitated Screams of Maggots
Gaika, Chinmoku ga Nemuru Koro
Rotting Root
-Inward Scream-
Dozing Green
The Final
Reiketsu Nariseba


When Hageshisa came on, I lost it. I love this song live--it's absolutely perfect. Even though I complained the first time I heard it that Kyo doesn't do the studio's chorus justice, I think it's just perfect now. I love head-banging to the song, screaming the chorus with him. But I think my favorite part is probably the intro, with Shinya and… Argh. I just love it; it has so much energy. If they continue to go along this way, I think I'll be always happy, at least until the album after the next and we have an entirely new style, haha. I want to hear it live again and again.

Throughout the entire show, I used the "protocol" I learned in Japan for the songs. I heard every one that played last night there except for Vinushka, so I remembered how the Japanese fans moved. And because I tend to not know what to do with myself, I followed it. Whether or not that makes me lame, I don't really care. I felt awesome. Some people joined in unison with me, and in my head, it felt like I brought back some of the Japanese style show with me. ♡ Jumping at the end of Hageshisa in time with Die's background vocals? Amazing!

I was rather shocked with Obscure came on--I don't know why, because it's been played at all the shows (or nearly) before this one. Admittedly, I hadn't been reading the set list after hearing about the Toronto and… New York? show, because I heard they kept the same setlist. I knew that if it continued (and I heard that it was into Atlanta and others) that I wanted to be surprised, so I avoided it. But still, while I was surprised, I feel I should've known! At any rate, I rocked out through it. I supposed Red Soil was after Obscure--it has already become a huge blur song wise, and I do believe Agitated became before Gaika. I do remember very clearly giving Die my all throughout Red Soil though, because his part in it is simply amazing. I could watch his hands play all night, if I could. (Although I do enjoy looking at his face, but.) For Agitated, I just remember laughing internally at the lines Kyo wrote, raping daughters on your graves… Haha.

But when Gaika started, I absolutely lost it. In my letter to Die, I wrote about how his playing, especially the intro to Gaika, inspires me beyond words I can say in either Japanese or English. Ever since the first time I saw it in 2008… And the fact that they played it? I gave all of it to him again, screaming for him, singing for him, headbanging for him. Everything was for him during that song, I have to say. Again, I know I should've realized they would play it, but I didn't read it. I didn't want to, and that was the absolute best surprised I probably could have received at this show. Again, I could watch his hands forever… OH, AND! Die's part got a bit switched up during Gaika. I fangirled immensely over that, too. *_*

Shokubeni was another amazing song, one I've heard live before with a completely perfect Kyo solo, but this was was rather amazing in itself at the Denver show. Kaoru had an amazing start off, and Die and Toshiya were teasing the audience. Die just loved our side, completely. I wish so much that I could revisit this and Gaika (along with Rasetsukoku and saku) the very most. It even seemed they did a little something extra for Shokubeni, because I remember hearing a repeated phrase before Kyo's solo. Perhaps it's normal, but how they transitioned it was amazing. According to another user on the main Dir community, their equipment overheated just at the right point for Kyo's solo, such a good time that I didn't even realize it. They came back in perfectly (or so I thought, I dunno about other's opinions), and they finished out the song just fine.

Rotting Root and Bugaboo were songs that were very much a blur to me. During the sound check, it seems we were lined up for the VIP/will-call line perfectly, because I heard them playing Rotting Root, and I was very pleased to hear it twice in one day, basically. (One without Kyo, but!) I simply adore this song live now, as I've said before, versus when I was rather indifferent to it. (Although I prefer it live than to simply listening to the studio version.) And if I'm completely honest, when I saw the setlist, I went, "They played Bugaboo?" Haha, I feel like a bad fan, but like I said, a blur… A wonderful blur in time…

I do remember during Rotting Root, I sang to Die again. I kept doing that throughout the entire night at points--I gave him so much attention, despite the fucker not giving me too much. (Snickering over here, seriously.) He found someone to the right of us that kept his eye--but we did get plenty.

Die. Looking amazing.

The Inward Scream went perfectly, and very much like previous ones, without much from the crowd. I was surprised, because when there are other fans, or even new fans/old fans who don't like it, tend to give him shit. Dozing Green was rather intense as well, but as it's not my favorite song, I believe I focused on taking a few photos here and there. Vinushka as well, simply due to the length and downtime (that is to say, slower parts).

Kyo's Inward Scream.

The Final inspired the hell out of me though, with more singing to the man in front of me, reaching with all my life with my hands to reach the heavens above me. It's lame to say, but it's such a good American live song. I have no idea why--perhaps because everyone tends to just love it, new or old. And surprisingly, I just lost myself in the song, whereas other songs tend to do that for me. Perhaps because it was one of the oldest in the set?

This was taken during The Final. Love this shot...

Reiketsu Nariseba was amazing. I love Die's parts through it, Kyo's solos, showing off his back… Everything. I have a photo of his back through this, that I'll upload with this entry. So much do I want to touch it… But Die during Reiketsu Nariseba is amazing. I could just watch his little part, that is combined with Kaoru's surprisingly, again and again; I have no idea why. A fangirl moment happened. This is why I love standing in front of Die…

Kyo showing off his back during the instrumental of Reiketsu Nariseba.

Rasetsukoku, though. Man. They fucking know how to end a set. So much of this song… I don't remember, because I was too busy touching Die's guitar. It was seriously the most awesome feeling in the world, the smoothness of that red beauty… Okay, maybe there are better feelings, but I can still feel my fingers on it, when I can't even remember the handshakes that much. I loved, absolutely loved, that he put himself so far down for the crowd--twice--that I even was able to touch his tattoo. ♡ That man has his ego, let me tell ya! Toshiya even joined in, playing with him and Shinya at times, and I wish I could have videoed it almost, except I wanted to watch with my own eyes. However, Toshiya was rather stingy and wouldn't let us touch him, but I understand. *laugh* Even Kaoru, when he came over, just ate us up. Was for some reason Die's side more active? Typically, it's Kaoru's… There's so much I can say about it, but it will have to wait. It seems I need to turn off my electronic devices now...

Either during The Final or Reiketsu Nariseba, Toshiya came over and I freaked out a little, as you can see. *laugh*

Haha, now that I'm at home, I dunno if there's more to say, other than how much I absolutely adored Rasetsukoku. I wanna go back to that song the most, yes. :3 But then the main set was over, and we just cried for Dir en grey… Dir en grey! Oh yes…

And they returned with saku. I've never been happier to heard it on a sound check--it's still one of my absolute favorites. The crowd was amazing, the band loved it, Die in his Chrome Hearts tank top like a sexy motherfucker, Toshiya showing off… I still remember his face. At his side, he leaned over his bass and just looked out into the crowd, very curiously. Cutest thing you would ever see. And when he came to our side, I know I made eye contact with him. He seemed very intense, loving every moment of it like in Rasetsukoku… And at the end, just standing with his bass on the ground, as if surveying the crowd--his land. Silly boy.

Another few things I just want to mention but I'm not sure where it happened… Toshiya jumping around like crazy. Crazier than normal for Toshiya, even. Like doing some pure "I'm fuckin' rocking OUT!" shit. Die's sleeveless hoodie will always make me smile. The two Heinekens for Die and Toshiya--I wish they were mine, even though I didn't get Toshiya one. Die's smile looking pained--out of tune but no one in our side of the pit but him cared, before we saw a real smile. Kaoru smirking down at his, licking his lips and being just god-like (and later, Archer and I joking that he's too old to bend down like Die or Toshiya for us, haha). Kyo holding out his hand to get us to hold out ours. Me starting a yelling contest with the fucker after every time he said "last song" before Rasetsukoku (at least in my area)… Looking at Kyo and wondering where he was inspired, so inspired to do the Inward Screams. How perfect the lighting was. Everything. I want to remember everything, but…

Ahhh, Die throwing water on us. Me looking up at it as if each drop was a crystal--for some reason that image is burned into my mind.

It came to an end. I picked up my merch (hoodie and horse print) after they left the stage. I didn't get a pick, even though Die pretty much dumped one on my head (seriously, his hand movement looked as if he was aiming for my or another girl's head, not hands). But I don't care. I made him laugh. I inspired it at least, with Kaoru.

One of the best nights of my life, spending it with such great people, all of them.

Today, I returned to Memphis. I got to spend time with Jen and Archer some… Poor Archer still isn't home yet. I'm so sorry about her flights always being shitty… But we can remember the awesome times together, no? I hope so.

Here's to the next concert we can all attend.

P.S. ATTENTION Dir en grey fans!
I was surfing the a knot site, and I saw there was an update from K (staff, not Kaoru or Kyo). He says next week, there's going to be a new announcement. Maybe a single?! Album?! LET'S WAIT AND SEE!

(Also, the photos are not in correct order entirely.)

Happy Mother's Day, Momma. I'm still trying to make you proud, and I'm sorry when I slip up. I wish you could be here with me, but I am still trying to impress you, prove to you I'm not going to lose. I know I came close so many times before, but you were always there to pick me up. It's harder now, but I think of you, always. I will always love you, and I will always miss you. I will never lose, because I am your child, and you never gave up. I will not let anything or anyone pull me under.

I wish I could remember your voice. I would give anything to hear your voice again, just one more time.

Gary told me, for the first time, about that boyfriend you had. Or maybe it was my dad, and he was trying to protect my feelings. I wish I could have heard that from you. I wish you had never been hit, but I am so proud of you, for leaving him.

I wish I had known you better. I was such a selfish child. I lied about you constantly. I pretended to hate you so much. I'm sorry I ever said anything ill of you that was never warranted.

I want to be with you again. I wish I had the faith to know that you're waiting for me.

Please be waiting for me.


Oct. 10th, 2006 10:13 pm
My mother passed away today at about 5:15 P.M.

I'll put up visitation and funeral times as soon as we plan them.

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