Dec. 18th, 2011


Dec. 18th, 2011 11:36 pm
I am going to copy and paste this from my tumblr. Tomorrow after I return to Urbana, I am going to write another report. I left out so much, like my voice going silent during Different Sense from screaming (just temporarily, thankfully) or losing my shit completely during Grief. The awkwardness of my glasses... Basically tl;dr for my own memories. This is my overall experience at the Dec 18th Chicago show at the House of Blues.


How can I describe something the ended up perfect? The only flaw was that Sara never contacted me to meet her...I saw her for a fleeting moment... She has been busy, sick, and with her friends. I understand, even if I'm a little sad.

But Rick let us pass with a smile, and we stood in front of Kyo. When the band came out, there were curious glances our way as they did the meet and greet. I regret absolutely nothing. I have never felt a connection so true to that man, and honestly, I felt it with every single band member tonight.

This was the best concert of my life. Not because of the set list, even though that was fantastic with Obscure, Mazohyst of Decadence, and Grief. But the pure energy I felt, the connection between not just me and the band, but me and the rest of the audience pre-show. No one bitched at us for skipping, and in fact, they chatted with us kindly. It isn’t that I am saying that others’ experience is invalid, but I was legitimately shocked. People have been ranting about "skippers," and I was worried there would be shit-talking directly to us.

Another thing that happened is when Kyo looked right down at us, squinting and belting, and it made me feel...content. Whether he was looking at me like I thought or just seeing us as the crowd... It was at that point that I knew this show was the best I have ever been to. Him stroking the microphone during Mazohyst of Decadence, the beauty of the lighting during his Inward Scream...I could go on forever.

I have never been a "Kyo fangirl" but tonight, he made me feel what some of my closest friends have told me about.

The entire band seemed to exude confidence tonight. Die was flirting, and Toshiya couldn’t stop smiling at the end. I saw a crack of Shinya’s lips, and Kaoru was a motherfucking badass all night. Even Kyo seemed something like…content, at least at times.

I do think however that the ending, as the band threw their spit, water and Heineken (thanks Toshiya!), picks and drumsticks, that I will forever have Toshiya’s silhouette carved into my brain. His outline, and the ghost of his smile as he looked down at all of us… It was my magical moment, and probably mine alone in that instant.

My best friend shuffled behind me right after the show and told me to look down, something was at my feet. It was one of the HOB drumsticks that Shinya tossed off-stage. Forever, I have been the one to never catch anything or pick something up, and Archer, being the best friend that she is, let me have it. Perhaps it does have a slightly different feeling that catching it in your own hands, but the grace and love she showed me (I always would pout about the three of their Kaoru/Die/Toshiya picks playfully) by doing this solidified my evening. I kissed her cheek, making her uncomfortable, but it was pure emotion and adrenaline.

Even though I spent the after-show making my way around, trying to see if there was one last chance to meet up with Sara, a happiness has settled into me. Have you ever had the thought "I can die happy?" This was that night.

Tonight was the best night, despite any flaws that I might recall. I understand Sara’s inability to meet me. I don’t care about some fucker messing up my glasses, or another three people using my head as an arm rest. This pain coexists with my happiness, and I don’t think anything will be able to take that away.

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